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  • Open Relationships

    So, I know we have one expert in LifestyleJayhawk , so I'll be interested to hear his thoughts, but a friend of mine was up for a long weekend and told me that his wife brought up the idea of bringing a third (another woman) into the bedroom

    A little background on the couple: They've been married for 8 years, going into mid-to-late 30s...not high school sweethearts, technically, cause they never dated til college, but they went to the same high school and knew of each other, but ran in different circles.

    Anyway, their goal, according to him (he's the only one I've talked to and I don't know the wife too well outside of meeting her a time or two), is to eventually have her live in and essentially be an equal partner (if that makes sense) to the both of them. This includes chores, finances, bedroom activities, travel, etc

    Meaning any combo of two or three is acceptable in all activities

    I obviously didn't have much advice, cause I've never been anywhere near an arrangement like this

    On the surface, it seems awesome, but I told him to be wary (he already is)....there's a lot of room for jealousy, and I'd also worry that the wife may be looking for a way out

    I ask the Wheat for their thoughts
    Last edited by Joe Norris; 09-04-18, 11:35 AM.

  • #2
    Why can’t they just cheat on each other and pretend not to notice like normal people?

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    • #3
      Sorry, that is just weird. Pretty sure she is just a lesbian, and doesn't know how to deal with that reality. This reminds me of Friends...Ross' first wife wants to bring another chick into their bedroom and Ross gets all excited. But when it was all said and done, Ross ended up making a sandwich and just watching. Ultimately, they get a divorce because she's a lesbian.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Hawker007 View Post
        Sorry, that is just weird. Pretty sure she is just a lesbian, and doesn't know how to deal with that reality. This reminds me of Friends...Ross' first wife wants to bring another chick into their bedroom and Ross gets all excited. But when it was all said and done, Ross ended up making a sandwich and just watching. Ultimately, they get a divorce because she's a lesbian.
        This obviously occurred to me and I should have included it in the OP, but it was something we talked about. I figured the response would be "yeah right", but he said that he brought up the concern to her and that her response was "supportive" and that she just always had interest in the female form, but grew up in a small town that didn't really let her experiment with that. They're my age and I kinda call BS, college is the time and place for that because it's accepted and, if you're not an idiot, doesn't have to get back to your parents, but I digress

        That is partially what I meant by her "looking for a way out"

        I should also mention, he brought this all up to me as a concern, not as though he was excited about the opportunity

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        • #5
          I think only the couple can answer the question of whether or not this would work for them.

          There are some legal issues that would need to be taken into consideration. Unless things change as they get older, he can only legally marry one of them and only one of them can be his "spouse" with regards to family health insurance and with regards to Social Security benefits. I would assume that a good lawyer could draft the proper paperwork for a will that would make the situation equitable. As far as raising children (if they intend to have any), there could be some complications, but I can't think of any that couldn't be overcome.

          I wouldn't assume that his wife is looking for a "way out." Sounds like she's bisexual and doesn't want to cheat and doesn't want to leave him. For him, this could be a great thing.

          I don't think there has been very many studies done on these types of marriages, but if I were to guess, I would suspect that, in spite of going against societal norms, these types of marriages may actually have some strengths that other marriages don't have, assuming everyone in the group is working to contribute to the arrangement.

          Of course, that's not to say things can't go horribly wrong.....

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          • #6
            But she’s likely already cheated. The “other woman” didn’t just pop up out of thin air. I hope he’s taking that into consideration.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by FrobozMumbar View Post
              But she’s likely already cheated. The “other woman” didn’t just pop up out of thin air. I hope he’s taking that into consideration.
              Sorry, my comments may have been confusing, I just re-read them and noticed I was talking about "her" as though there's already a woman in play. This is just a theoretical "her" at this point, what "she" would be in the future.

              As far as my friend knows, there has been no cheating and the woman doesn't necessarily have anyone in particular in mind (but I told him I'm sure there are women she's seen/interacted with, that she's likely fantasizing about, he agreed)

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              • #8
                Originally posted by FrobozMumbar View Post
                But she’s likely already cheated. The “other woman” didn’t just pop up out of thin air. I hope he’s taking that into consideration.
                The original post is unclear as to whether she has someone lined up or if this is just a hypothetical that could become a reality. The real challenge, in my mind, should they decide to go through with this is finding the third person. This is not every girl's dream, by any means and there is a good possibility that searching for someone to fulfill this role could result in the couple "dating" a lot of potentially crazy people.

                But, yes, if she already has someone waiting in the wings, then there's a good chance that there has been something going on all along.


                Edit: (Typed before Joe's clarifying post just above this one)

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                • #9
                  How do you even go about finding the 3rd person who would possibly be willing to do this?

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                  • #10
                    Honestly, arrangements like this are probably more natural than monogamy. They may not have always been called “marriages” to multiple women (depending on the culture), but a man with multiple mates has been a fairly regular cultural fixture throughout history - and it makes some biological sense.

                    If if I were him, I’d go for it. What’s the worst that could happen? She leaves him for her? That’s likely to happen anyway if he declines this offer. At least this way he can enjoy it while it lasts.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Joe Norris View Post

                      Sorry, my comments may have been confusing, I just re-read them and noticed I was talking about "her" as though there's already a woman in play. This is just a theoretical "her" at this point, what "she" would be in the future.

                      As far as my friend knows, there has been no cheating and the woman doesn't necessarily have anyone in particular in mind (but I told him I'm sure there are women she's seen/interacted with, that she's likely fantasizing about, he agreed)
                      That’s an awfully specific scenario for there not to already be a candidate she has in mind. “Honey, do you want to try a threesome?” is experimental and exploratory. “Honey, what would you think about a three-way relationship with another female lover moving in with us and sharing our life permanently starting, say, next Tuesday at 5pm? I’ll start looking for someone” is a bit different.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Hawker007 View Post
                        How do you even go about finding the 3rd person who would possibly be willing to do this?
                        Craigslist

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Hawker007 View Post
                          How do you even go about finding the 3rd person who would possibly be willing to do this?
                          He was mulling this over, “swingers clubs” may be a place to start, as fro mentioned, maybe CL, but he was (I assume rightfully so) wary of choosing that avenue

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by FrobozMumbar View Post

                            That’s an awfully specific scenario for there not to already be a candidate she has in mind. “Honey, do you want to try a threesome?” is experimental and exploratory. “Honey, what would you think about a three-way relationship with another female lover moving in with us and sharing our life permanently starting, say, next Tuesday at 5pm? I’ll start looking for someone” is a bit different.
                            You’re not necessarily wrong, I think they’ve had multiple convos about the matter, this was just the first time I’d seen him since the discussions began and he was telling me where they’re at right now

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                            • #15
                              Somebodies been watching too many episodes of Shameless.

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