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  • A man walks into a bar with a small green animal on his shoulder.


    The bartenders asks “Who is that on your shoulder?”

    The man says “This is Tiny.”

    The Bartender says “Tiny? Why do you call him Tiny?”

    The man says “Because he is My Newt.”

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    • I heart this thread.

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      • Me too!

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        • [At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

          Inmate: It’s bec..

          Officer: Yes?

          Inmate: I think I have..

          Officer: Go on.

          Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

          Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

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          • For my 2019 New Year's Resolution, I'm planning to build a Velco wall.

            And I'm planning to stick to it!

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            • So a friend of mine was hit on by a female janitor. She wanted him to get high with her, but he declined. When I asked why?, he said it was because he wasn't interested in a

              SPOILERhigh maintenance woman

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              • I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.


                SPOILERShe said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

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                • flat.jpg

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                  • airplane.jpg

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                      • Fequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.


                        Statistics just released from Canada and The United Nations Board of Health Teams revealed that:


                        North American men between 50 and 70 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week.


                        Whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.


                        This has been very upsetting news to most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of us had any idea we were Japanese.


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                        • NSFW for language. All basically one-liners.

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                          • How do you pick out the blind man at a nudist camp?

                            It’s not hard.

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                            • 49732772_10220261648438286_942046203875426304_n.jpg

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                              • d5468b23465a7b3f6b41cec793f0e41d985dec1e08b2315af0046827020de512.jpg

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