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Help me start a new religion

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  • Help me start a new religion

    It seems to me like most religions are obsessed with what goes into believers' bodies. Hindus don't eat cows. Jews don't eat shellfish or pigs. Muslims don't do pork.

    What if there was a religion that excluded only processed food?

    Paypal your contributions to [email protected]. First ten $100 contributors become Cardinals in the new church.

  • #2
    Re: Help me start a new religion

    [quote author=Hoopo link=topic=462.msg4894#msg4894 date=1282015273]
    It seems to me like most religions are obsessed with what goes into believers' bodies. Hindus don't eat cows. Jews don't eat shellfish or pigs. Muslims don't do pork.

    What if there was a religion that excluded only processed food?

    Paypal your contributions to [email protected]. First ten $100 contributors become Cardinals in the new church.
    [/quote]

    I'd be all over that, but before I commit, can we have some kind of clause where you can make a pay-off for an occassional Twinkie or Little Debbie Snack Cake? Kind of like indulgences in the days of yore? That'd make it much cooler if you could cause sometimes you just need a Twinkie.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Help me start a new religion

      How many virgins will be waiting for me in heaven?

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Help me start a new religion

        So if I send $1000 will I be the Head Honcho of this new faith? Will I get to wear flowing robes and an awesome hat?

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Help me start a new religion

          The sad part about all of this is that with a little more effort and a slightly different target audience it might work.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Help me start a new religion

            [quote author=LimeHawk link=topic=462.msg4961#msg4961 date=1282057589]
            So if I send $1000 will I be the Head Honcho of this new faith? Will I get to wear flowing robes and an awesome hat?
            [/quote]

            I will appoint you Pope and abdicate for $1000.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Help me start a new religion

              [quote author=Joe Norris link=topic=462.msg4960#msg4960 date=1282057427]
              How many virgins will be waiting for me in heaven?
              [/quote]

              Virgins, schmirgins. We can offer pornstar quality sex from unlimited fresh young things. Your Eternal Boner is of utmost importance to our church. And unlike our competitors, we will make sure your Boner is well taken care of in the Happy Afterlife.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Help me start a new religion

                What if I enjoy processed food?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Help me start a new religion

                  [quote author=blackPHOGmoan link=topic=462.msg4997#msg4997 date=1282061140]
                  What if I enjoy processed food?
                  [/quote]

                  Perhaps a blessing that in essence un-processed the process?

                  Geez, problem solving is easy in the design phase of religion. Perhaps MU can start a program called "Religious Design?"

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Help me start a new religion

                    what's your policy on your cardinals raping young boys?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Help me start a new religion

                      [quote author=KVN638 link=topic=462.msg5026#msg5026 date=1282067436]
                      what's your policy on your cardinals raping young boys?
                      [/quote]

                      Perk?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Help me start a new religion

                        Recruit her first.

                        [img width=444 height=600]http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/11/2010/08/500x_sara_saco-3.jpg[/img]

                        http://deadspin.com/5615024/bo-the-b...emptive-strike

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Help me start a new religion

                          [quote author=Geezer link=topic=462.msg5046#msg5046 date=1282071598]
                          Recruit her first.

                          [img width=444 height=600]http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/11/2010/08/500x_sara_saco-3.jpg[/img]

                          http://deadspin.com/5615024/bo-the-b...emptive-strike
                          [/quote]

                          Weird, I've got the same crappy patio furniture.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Help me start a new religion

                            [quote author=KVN638 link=topic=462.msg5026#msg5026 date=1282067436]
                            what's your policy on your cardinals raping young boys?
                            [/quote]

                            We at the New Church (corporate sponsors, naming rights are available NOW starting at $10,000 annually) believe that the way to reach the divine presence is through DIET (no processed food or you can't be a member) and SATISFACTION (your Boner is sacred). Therefore we support whatever makes your Boner. That is the divine presence within. National, state and local laws apply, of course, but as a tax-exempt organization, we don't give a fuck what you fuck.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Help me start a new religion

                              Wait a god damn minute, you just raised the rates.

                              Comment

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