So, Post-It wants to get married

[JHAWKjason]

Pros:

• She cooks and cleans
• Very intelligent woman
• Loves baseball
• Tolerates me being a complete nerd and my inability to dance
• Willing to sign a prenupt

Cons:

• Issues with inability to confront problems (see past posts)
• Crazy, high maintenance mother
• Comes from a working class family (way different backgrounds)
• Catholic (not my religion), and would expect her kids to be so

What does WtW say?

This is srs bzns.

[ICThawk]

In all seriousness....

Have you two spoken about religion? Is she a practicing catholic?

The real question has to be are you in love with her. Everything else just needs to be talked about and agreed on.

[JHAWKjason]

In all seriousness....

Have you two spoken about religion? Is she a practicing catholic?

The real question has to be are you in love with her. Everything else just needs to be talked about and agreed on.

Yes. Originally I didn't care as I'm not that religious. The problem that lies is that, only after just recently speaking with him, I found out my father would be extremely upset if my kids were not raised Sikh (my religion). To boot, my children would end up being his namesake as I have an elder brother who probably isn't going to have kids and then three sisters who would take their SO's names.

[IceHawkE]

I know next to nothing about you and even less about her, but here it goes . . .

The cons would raise some concerns with me. Being Catholic and not either be able to or are not willing to deal with problems is not an uncommon trait and could lead to some real issues down the road. The difference in background can be overcome. ICT asked if you are in love with her, but also you need to ask if she is really in love with you or are you a means to an end.

The issue of raising kids Catholic (I assume you are not) is something I have personal experience with. In the early years of our marriage my wife was a sorta practicing Catholic and when the kids where born they got baptized in the Catholic Church and attended a Catholic school until my son was in 5th grade and my daughter in 2nd grade - I think a lot of this was because she thought that was what her mom wanted. After we moved to a different neighborhood, the kids went to public school and in almost 6 years we've been to church maybe three times so that basically took care of itself.

The crazy MIL could be an issue but how much of an issue that is is proximity to where you live. Don't underestimate how a person like that could meddle in your marriage and eventually your wife has to side with you. This very well make take years.

We have made it 20+ years now and there where times when I didn't think we'd make it. It takes a lot of work. A lot.

[WolfShirtSophomore]

Run

[dominatindj11]

Is she good in teh bed?
Does she make good sammiches?

[GardArmighty]

How long have you all been dating? Are you madly in love with her? Are you compatible (except for that little religion thingy)? Have you all had to confront any major issues together to see if you work through problems well?

[sweaterbydarwin]

Plenty of religiously mixed marriages work but you need to come to an agreeable conclusion beforehand. And not one you're going to hold over the other's fucking head forever. And tell your respective parents to stay out of it from the get go. If they love you, they will respect your decision. Also, please tell you me you are rocking a full beard and rishi knot.

[Hoopo]

Since you "found out my father would be extremely upset if my kids were not raised Sikh (my religion)" the Catholic issue would seem to be a real sticking point with her family.

While I'm of the opinion that parents can go to hell with their opinion of who I date and live with (and potentially marry), since you probably want to retain good relations with your father, you'd have to find out if the Sikh/Catholic dilemma is something that either side is prepared to negotiate.

It might be an issue that's ultimately divisive. And nobody wants a custody battle.

Myself, there's a beautiful girl from Colombia, a truly beautiful young woman I've been dating for several years, but her Catholicism is a huge turn-off to making permanent arrangements. I just run into all kinds of problems with Catholics eventually. I don't like the Church and the insane notion that things like birth control and abortion are off the table (although birth control ban is something that many Catholics ignore). I won't bash the Catholic church other than that comment, only that I would go slightly crazier if my kid was raised into that system. If a child of mine grew up reasonably agnostic and discovered that religion, or any religion, on their own, that I could accept and embrace for thier happiness.

I've tried for years to date Catholic women and it always ends badly, with some element of her religion playing a role in the breakup. I consider it as much of a barrier as smoking when finding someone to form a relationship with. No thanks.

[KVN638]

How long have you all been dating? Are you madly in love with her? Are you compatible (except for that little religion thingy)? Have you all had to confront any major issues together to see if you work through problems well?

well the last time she had an issue with him, she left him a post it note saying they were done... hence her name is post-it.

Honestly, that little instance was like what? 6-8 months ago? I'd make her prove that was a fluke and not a regular way she reacts. You say her mother is crazy, so what makes her not like her mom? She left a fucking post-it note to break up with you b/c she couldn't confront you. She just hasn't developed into her mom's nuttiness YET.

[WavetheWheat]

agree with hoopo regarding parents caring about religion. To put your old man off tell them that you will let children chose their religion at an appropriate age, but there will be no "pressuring" them to chose sikh or Catholicism.

[GardArmighty]

A Post It note is a text message from 1983.

[ICThawk]

It seems that most people find the religion issue to be the biggest. I grew up in a multi-faith family, however both faiths were Christian so it doesn't exactly fit here. If she is a practicing Catholic, does she want to get married in the catholic church? There are specific questions asked during a catholic wedding, including being open to children and raising them in the faith. This could be a problem, unless you're cool lying to a holy man.

As a "not really religious" person, does it bother you more that they would be a different religion or that they would be religious period? I understand the father angle, but I have to ask, if his faith is so important to him how has that not been imparted onto you? Or, is it merely a want for the grandchildren to be similar in as many aspects as possible?

Honestly, these are just things that would need to be discussed before any serious talk could happen. I am surprised that these issues haven't come up already if you are talking about marriage.

[Hoopo]

I should probably recuse myself from this thread, as I am extremely anti-marriage. For me it's a medieval custom that has persisted. I'm not anti-monogamy for most people. I'm not against marriage in a legally binding sense predicated on the valid, imo, notion that the family structure is beneficial for our society. I am against religious unions. Keep your god out of my bedroom.

[samandbendrivemetodrink]

Aside from the religious issue and her inability to stay sane (which I think are HUGE issues but have already been covered), the thing that bothers me most is your "pro" list. That is really the best that you can say about her? She likes baseball and will sign a prenup? If you aren't crazy in love with her at this point (and it doesn't seem like you are), that doesn't really bode well for the future.

Marriage is really tough. I have been married over 10 years and still got excited a few minutes ago when my husband called me because it was 9am here and I hadn't talked him yet today because he is out of town. If I didn't still feel that way, I can't imagine how hard it would be to work through all the other day-to-day crap that marriage brings.