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Kearney:
Phog City Police Department - Criminal Division
Investigation Report - Detective’s Division
Date: September 27, 2010
By: Chief Detective Heywood JaBlome’.
Incident Type: Murder/Death/Kill
Incident Description and Details of Investigation:
Victim was found lying at the bottom of a message board in a pool of cheap rot-gut, pages of Internet AIDS thrown about. Behind him, a couch of unspeakable horror. Loitering around were several of his friend’s, all potential witnesses, and every one a suspect.
I interviewed them and pertinent details follow.
Suspect #1. Yeah, I never really liked the guy, but I didn’t see what happened. He was kinda a dick at times, banning people for what seemed no real reason. We had all talked about maybe hanging out somewhere else, I think maybe he heard about it and got mad. I don’t know, like I said, I didn’t see what happened.
Oh, he really pissed me off. That’s right, I said he pissed me off. I paid extra, extra I tell you so that I could get any gossip he found first. And I’m talking good money here. Well anyways, he took my money every year. Every year right out of my account. I’m talking premium dollars here. Premium dollars, understand? And what did I get in return? Huh? I’ll tell you what. No tent. Gossip with a shelf life of about 30 seconds and inside information about his dog. His freaking dog. When I confronted him about the money issue, he just acted like he was entitled to it. Like it was really his money just sitting in my account. We’re talking premium dollars here!
Suspect #2. Yeah, he and I used to argue about Politics all the time. But he was such a right wing facist pig it was hard to get anything through his thick skull. I don’t think he was even ABLE to listen. And we were only supposed to talk about politics in one room and one room only. Of course he would spread it around and put his little neo-nazi propaganda in other rooms, but if I tried he’d kick me out of the house for a while. I am all for love and peace. I don’t think he likes either one of them. I heard all the cool kids were hanging out at someone else’s place now, but I haven’t been invited, don’t know how to get there.
Suspect #3. Oh he was such a sweet man. He and his wife were ever so kind to mah husband and I when we saw him at events. And his wife is ever so lovely. She’s just lovely I tell you. If he weren’t so dead I am sure we would have him and his lovely wife over for mint juleps one day. You know he had the biggest house around. I heard he once had over 30,000 visitors at one time. Imagine that! But he was such a delightful man.
Suspect #4. Yeah, I never really had a problem with him, but he banned all the creative people, the ones who made the place exciting from ever coming back. They all went somewhere else. His place just became boring. Lot’s of people still scout out this place, but all the fun ones left. Personally, I think he just thought he was better than all of them.
Suspect #5. Yeah, as a lawyer I used to visit his place a lot. I usually just left an ‘upper-decker’ or a flaming bag of poo on the front porch. He tired to get me banned from coming back, but I filed a series of lawsuits and got him spinning in circles. He won’t ban me now because I have him by the balls and I own a Minnesota Hockey Jersey.
Suspects #6-#12,342 redacted.
Summary and Conclusion: After reviewing all the evidence and interviews I have concluded that this was not a murder. Clearly, it was Death by Hubris.
Recommended Further Action: Go to the new place where all the cool kids hang out. I hear they even have free chat.
ElJefe58:
...
Phog City Police Department - Criminal Division
Investigation Report - Detective’s Division
Date: September 27, 2010
By: Chief Detective Heywood JaBlome’.
Incident Type: Murder/Death/Kill
Incident Description and Details of Investigation:
Victim was found lying at the bottom of a message board in a pool of cheap rot-gut, pages of Internet AIDS thrown about. Behind him, a couch of unspeakable horror. Loitering around were several of his friend’s, all potential witnesses, and every one a suspect.
I interviewed them and pertinent details follow.
Suspect #1. Yeah, I never really liked the guy, but I didn’t see what happened. He was kinda a dick at times, banning people for what seemed no real reason. We had all talked about maybe hanging out somewhere else, I think maybe he heard about it and got mad. I don’t know, like I said, I didn’t see what happened.
Oh, he really pissed me off. That’s right, I said he pissed me off. I paid extra, extra I tell you so that I could get any gossip he found first. And I’m talking good money here. Well anyways, he took my money every year. Every year right out of my account. I’m talking premium dollars here. Premium dollars, understand? And what did I get in return? Huh? I’ll tell you what. No tent. Gossip with a shelf life of about 30 seconds and inside information about his dog. His freaking dog. When I confronted him about the money issue, he just acted like he was entitled to it. Like it was really his money just sitting in my account. We’re talking premium dollars here!
Suspect #2. Yeah, he and I used to argue about Politics all the time. But he was such a right wing facist pig it was hard to get anything through his thick skull. I don’t think he was even ABLE to listen. And we were only supposed to talk about politics in one room and one room only. Of course he would spread it around and put his little neo-nazi propaganda in other rooms, but if I tried he’d kick me out of the house for a while. I am all for love and peace. I don’t think he likes either one of them. I heard all the cool kids were hanging out at someone else’s place now, but I haven’t been invited, don’t know how to get there.
Suspect #3. Oh he was such a sweet man. He and his wife were ever so kind to mah husband and I when we saw him at events. And his wife is ever so lovely. She’s just lovely I tell you. If he weren’t so dead I am sure we would have him and his lovely wife over for mint juleps one day. You know he had the biggest house around. I heard he once had over 30,000 visitors at one time. Imagine that! But he was such a delightful man.
Suspect #4. Yeah, I never really had a problem with him, but he banned all the creative people, the ones who made the place exciting from ever coming back. They all went somewhere else. His place just became boring. Lot’s of people still scout out this place, but all the fun ones left. Personally, I think he just thought he was better than all of them.
Suspect #5. Yeah, as a lawyer I used to visit his place a lot. I usually just left an ‘upper-decker’ or a flaming bag of poo on the front porch. He tired to get me banned from coming back, but I filed a series of lawsuits and got him spinning in circles. He won’t ban me now because I have him by the balls and I own a Minnesota Hockey Jersey.
Suspects #6-#12,342 redacted.
Summary and Conclusion: After reviewing all the evidence and interviews I have concluded that this was not a murder. Clearly, it was Death by Hubris.
Recommended Further Action: Go to the new place where all the cool kids hang out. I hear they even have free chat.
ElJefe58:
...
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